The Top 18 Things Skillz Says to Get You to Agree to a Deal

[Joe]

The Top 18 Things Skillz Says to Get You to Agree to a Deal
And how much of a mindfuck they are

Our dear friend @Jesse, known by many as his chaotic alter-ego Skillz, has a particular way with words when it comes to trade negotiations. He’s got this special way of making you second- and third-guess yourself, and there’s kind of a sick artistry to it – we’ve all felt ourselves SHOOKETH by one of these when we thought we were extremely comfortable in our bargaining position. Anyways, having been playing sim basketball for the better part of 4 years with our favorite KANGS GM, I feel like I’ve been on the receiving end of pretty much the full arsenal of Skillz mindfuckery so I figure it was plenty to write an article about (special thank you to a few of the other O6 guys who contributed to this list). Comment any that I missed! You too @ashes

Without further ado, here we go:


1. “I would consider moving this pick but I’m going to feel so dumb when you trade it back to its owner for a star “

Mindfuck rating: 5 out of 10. You will go and look at that pick’s owner’s team REAL hard every time – but at least you made Skillz feel dumb so you’re probably getting a steal here!

2. “*whispers* [No name Kings player playing well] is just [big name player playing poorly] with less passing *whispers*”

Mindfuck rating: 4 out of 10. Was this an effective tactic in Lonnie Walker garnering 3 lottery picks from Boston? I guess we’ll never know. But if anyone wants a better version of Donovan Mitchell at half the price, HMU

This next group of 3 really all go together so I’ll rate them together.
3. “I’m really only making this deal so I can make a funny press release / marketing campaign with [this player’s] name”
4. “I just want him for his real life name, he actually stinks!”
5. “He’s not particularly good at anything…I just want him because someone else may see value in him”

Mindfuck rating: 7 out of 10. Skillz has unfortunately earned a good bit of credibility overpaying for guys with stupid names so that he can make puns on the boards, so these are pretty effective. #5 is sometimes the truth – the annoying part is that Jesse is going to do a better job pitching him than you could to that next chump GM who pays up for a big name bum.

6. “He just fits so much better on your team than any other team it’s crazy”

Mindfuck rating: 7 out of 10. This one has some juice, especially if Skillz accompanies it with some statistical analysis. But no, I’m all set on Boban, thank you

7. “[your guy] is a JAG – [my guy] is uniquely valuable”

Mindfuck rating: 3 out of 10. JAG = Just A Guy, for the uninitiated. As for Skillz, his heart might not really be in it, this one feels a little last resort-y.

8. “All of this stuff is poop so you’re going to need to offer A LOT of it to get [my guy]; if it’s going to be a shit sandwich, it had better have a lot of shit”

Mindfuck rating: 2 out of 10. This one isn’t so much a mindfuck as it is a kernel of Yoda / Confucius wisdom that holds a special place in my heart. Something like, “he who expects to sell a shit sandwich should not forget to make an extra trip to the shit store this week.” Jesse hit me with this one in the SLOR days and it’s basically on a poster in our GM office and all our employees jump up and slap it on their way into work.

9. “I can get [some other similar guy] for way cheaper – should I just do that? Or are you going to get smart and do this?”

Mindfuck rating: 8 out of 10. Will have you making an absolute beeline to that other roster for that similar guy and quickly try to put together what the actual difference is between them (which is why Skillz is still talking to you and hasn’t just gone and traded for that other guy).

10. “I’m offering to rip myself off here, I should probably just pull this ”

Mindfuck rating 6 out of 10. In my early FBB days this was probably a 9 or 10 out of 10, but I figured out within a few seasons that ripping yourself off doesn’t exactly put the kids through college, and good GMs tend to avoid it.

11. “That was a sweetheart offer, I don’t know why you would even be thinking about this!”

Mindfuck rating: 9 out 10. This is like the evolved form of #10, and one that my brain still can’t seem to brush off. Will typically cause me to send that offer to 3 or 4 other GMs to see if I’m insane for turning it down.

12. (In response to asking for some additional time figure something out while an offer was on the table) – “No need to feel pressure; instead feel the seldom realized joy of ripping off another member of the O6 – a much better feeling than waiting for a deal that won’t happen, only for another sick deal to slip through your fingers!”

Mindfuck rating: 7 out of 10. Similar to number 10, but he makes sure to sow the seeds of doubt that your other deal may not happen, even if you’ve got it in the bag. This one really feels like the clock is ticking.

13. “Just give me something else to make me feel not terrible” OR “I mean throw me a bone (e.g., 1000RP or an additional pick) and I guess I’m down. And then when you flip [my guy] for way more don’t make me feel bad ”

Mindfuck rating: 5 out of 10. If you could flip him for way more…wouldn’t Jesse have already done that? This one reeks of fish, beware.

14. “This is a smart deal for both of us”

Mindfuck rating: 9 out of 10. It’s definitely a smart deal for one of us.

15. “[Jesse’s player] just has low drive D.” OR “[Your player] just has high drive D”

Mindfuck rating: 8 out of 10. No one knows who has how much Drive D, except Skillz, who knows how much Drive D everyone has.

16. “You are making enemies with a dangerous buffoon!”

Mindfuck rating: 1 out of 10. It’s not a mindfuck at all, but this one made me laugh. This was apparently in response to Matt turning down Jesse’s godfather Luka offer. Dangerous Buffoon is a great band name.

17. “You get the best player and the best asset!”

Mindfuck rating: 8 out of 10. This might be true sometimes. But it almost always means you’re taking a tsunami-level value bath, so don’t forget to bring a towel.

18. “Okey dokey”

Mindfuck rating: 12 out of 10. GAH! A response so deeply infuriating that I have myself have been forced to start to using it with the more ghost-y GMs. Basically a "break glass in case of emergency." They ALWAYS come crawling back after an okey dokey

[Clinton]

18 gets me tilted

[heimer]

“If [insert KANG] hadn't been saddled behind [x player and y player] over the last 2 seasons, he'd be thought of as by far the most valuable dude in the deal.”

10/10 mindfuckery

talk about reek… this one makes you feel like grand opportunities are waiting around the corner and is every snake oil salesman’s favorite line.

[Jesse]

Who is skillz?

[Hoff]

Just went thru my texts… I have at least 5 more good ones. Funny to see my response time.

[Merv]

I just looked at my texts. I don’t really get these lol. We usually just fight over if players are good

[jwoo]

"Know when you have a good thing!"

[Jordo]

My texts are riddled with Jesse telling me how cute I am. 12/10 mindfuck

[Jesse]

The key to making the occasional very good trade is making several slightly bad ones to establish credibility !

It’s the ones who are too stubborn to realize when they are getting the upper hand that bug me

[Jesse]

My texts are riddled with Jesse telling me how cute I am. 12/10 mindfuck

Completely unrelated to sln smh