2031 182 Hawks Sign PG Tyrese Haliburton for $9,000,000 over one year.
2031 182 Trail Blazers Sign SG Jaden McDaniels for $36,750,000 over 2 years.
2031 182 Knicks Sign PG Marcus Sasser for $4,500,000 over one year.
2031 182 Heat Sign PF Darius Bazley for $79,270,390 over 5 years.
2031 182 Pistons...
It has been nearly three days without a sim. The men grow restless. They yearn for battles, box scores, and butts. To pass the time, certain GMs have succumbed to self-annihilation via trade. The Sunsitivity thrives in this climate, and I fear for the safety of the group....
After trading the Hawks brightest star in years fans are rioting in the streets of Atlanta - which is really just another day in Atlanta, but folks are targeting the Turner Center screaming nasty phrases like “Fuck the bagel man” and “put his ass back in the oven.” Schmagels grandparents were...
Live from Hotlanta, it's Thursday night! In a masterclass of vague communication, Hawks GM Heimer 3-Timer has temporarily vacated his post and left nothing but a note. Hawks brass has yet to release the note in full, but sources say the main reason is nothing other than “personal issues”.
GM of the mavericks, Hoff “Huffs” Hoffee, has been indicted for paying way too much for Chauncey Billups. League sources always wondered what Chauncey had on Hoff, little did we know it was simply a loaf of Italian Wonderbread called MobDough. If only...
Rumors have swirled that the draft board published by the Kings GM yesterday may have been a farce. A brand new board has just circulated after the Kings made some questionable selections.
The Kings have released a list claiming the following players as present, future and past SONS
Boban Marjanovic
Kris Clack
Justise Winslow
Mark Madsen
Kelly Oubre Jr.
Isaac Bonga
Reece Gaines
Mitchell Robinson
Ruben Patterson
Marcis Ponder
Domantas Sabonis
Derrick Jones Jr.
Pacome Dadiet
Ausar...
Live from the Plain Dealer (yes its a real thing, I googled it) - local Cleveland reporter Mervis Chaddenstein sits down with widely unpopular GM Michael Cavs Czar Antypas for an all exclusive presser after holding onto a top 3 pick in a stacked draft class.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - Sorry 4 Da Opacity, bka Swampstoryz Vol. 16 , failed to properly address our new addition to New Jersey executive management. Folks, meet Nick ... not the one from the Sonics, nor the one from the movies where he's always screaming and contorting his face and sniffing the...
For all inquiries, contact The Guy From West Wing at 201-YES-NETS. Interviews granted upon request.
For sponsorships, contact Whit Dickman at 201-NET-PEEN. Nonprofits can address all partnership looks up their butt and around the corner hahahah we don’t have time for that stuff!
This has been by far the most challenging day in my professional life. I understood that my skull was broken and I was facing a crossroads in my evolution as a player and as a man, and that extremely difficult things would happen to me. What I didn’t truly understand, however, was the range of...
This just in: The Kings Draft Board was caught on camera just an hour ago. The team is struggling but the results are REAL. The team picks #3 and #10 overall, has 3 2nd round picks, and now the whole world knows who the team wants.
1. Collin Murray-Boyles
2. Reed Sheppard
3. Jared McCain
4....
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
San Antonio Spurs Go Balls Deep with Dick in New Marketing Campaign and Game Night Promotions
SAN ANTONIO (November, 7th 2023) – The San Antonio Spurs are proud to announce their latest marketing push celebrating the arrival of Gradey Dick, a player who brings size, girth...
After exhausting trade talks trying to acquire just about every other player in the league, we finally landed Michael Porter Jr. in a deal — despite relentless interference from third-party agitator Heimer…… It wasn’t our first target, but fate works in funny ways, and now we’re sitting on a...
Well mates, I’m back! Orlando was a place I called home. You lot took me in, threw some barbies with me, and we won a stack of games—some of the best years in Magic history. It’s pretty rare in this business to find a place that truly feels like home, but I found that here. It was a...
Toronto Raptors president JWoo announced Sunday, on the eve of training camp that Raptors legend Marko Jaric has been named an assistant on the staff of head coach LaDon Gola, who, yes, is still the coach after like 15 years. Jaric, 44, was a first-round selection of Toronto in...
In a shocking move, the Atlanta Hawks told Cody Martin to GTFO and shipped his ass to the Los Angeles Clippers of Anaheim. It's a real tragedy - what happened. The Martin twins went on a couple’s trip with their significant others to St. Lucia to celebrate the lifelong dream of playing alongside...
The Orlando Magic are proud to have the 2022 Slam Dunk Champion Aaron Gordon and have announced an Air Gordon day for the home game against the Raptors on Day 103 (3/16). Aaron faces his former squad and plans on dunking all over them repeatedly. Nic Claxton was heard saying, Man that dude dunked...
The Orlando Magic are proud to announce John Henson Commemorative Fly Swatter Day in conjunction with our newest brand partner, Catchmaster! Each fan attending our Day 104 game at home against the Charlotte Hornets will receive one John Henson branded Catchmaster fly swatter...
After most of the season of avoiding the vaccine, Kyrie Irving has finally taken the plunge. In true Kyrie fashion, it wasn’t a normal clinic visit.
Sources say Kyrie requested calming music, dimmed lights, and a small bonsai tree in the room to “channel focused energy.” Before the shot, he paused...
After over half the season of refusing the vaccine, Kyrie Irving has pulled a 180 and announced he might take it—on one condition: he needed answers from Moderna first. Kyrie set up a private meeting with their top scientists and executives to “align the vibes.”
After an extended period of time away from the organization for a “mandatory vacation”, I am back, and dismayed to find we are underperforming yet again. I would like to make it very clear to the staff and players that if I do not see things change quickly, drastic steps may be taken. I would...
I have accepted that I have zero chance to give the Bay a winner. This is why I hereby give in my one season(aka one month) notice that I am giving up the reigns of the Warriors to hopefully a better GM. Given that finding someone on such short notice can be difficult, I believe one...
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Agree. I don't think Soliman was ever moved from my NDL team to the Spurs, but i believe his contract was, so just ensuring we have Soliman back on our squad going into NDL TC.
