2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
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jwoo
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2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
A version of this article was last published almost a year ago, so it qualifies for bonii under new rules
Sup fellas, I'm bored and going to run back this League Pass Rankings concept.
For those unfamiliar, originally pioneered by Zach Lowe (and later, Merv), this article ranks the teams 1-29 in order of (imaginary) watchability. There's a whole rubric that I didn't bother with it — we are going off my preferred vibes only. Which teams would be the most fun to watch hoop? Which ones would make your eyes bleed? Let's discuss.
29. Indiana Pacers
This team may be very solid, but it's also barely even playing basketball. Often rolling out three big men at a time...I guess they don't call them the Indiana Spacers. I imagine De'Aaron Fox holding the ball for 15 seconds while Drummond plays in the dunker spot, Goga screens and whoever else is on the court just stands in the corner. I have deep respect for the Pacers but I would personally not elect to watch this team unless I were De'Aaron Fox's mother.
"At least with the Pacers you have a 50% chance of [seeing] a fight" - Tong
28. Vancouver Grizzlies
Canadian network television won't even show these guys right now — it's just unwatchable Kris Dunn pounding the life out of the basketball. The Twin Towers of Ware and Sarr are at least very interesting in the long run. An offense anchored by Dunn and Desmond Bane is not one your eyes should gaze upon. I'd personally like to see Josh Giddey and Cason Wallace play more. Kira Lewis is fast.
27. Cleveland Cavaliers
I imagine this as a true ISO-ball wasteland with Ausar, Franz, Sexton and Siakam basically taking turns. Kemba Walker doesn't even play for some reason. The Cavs are still figuring out their identity, but right now it's not aesthetically pleasing!
26. San Antonio Spurs
There are less expensive ways to see Black Dick than taking your family to the FrostBank Center. But hey, Tobias Harris has earned a trade block post.
25. New Jersey Nets
For a team that should be young and fun, these guys are probably not even that young and fun, although adding the rising Darius Garland to upgrade the point guard black hole helps. Thinking about SLN Zion is depressing. None of these other guys can make a shot — except Corn Prince Keegan Murray is shooting nearly 50% post-supercamp. The Nets' best player is a defensive big man, which kinda tells you the story here. Imagine trying to market this team to fans in Newark. What if we kissed under the giant Jonathan Kuminga poster above the alley behind the Prudential Center?
24. Philadelphia 76ers
Twilight LeBron and Geriatric Boogie are the only reasons to watch a Sixers game, which are still reasons. 16 turnovers a night is rough. Jalen Suggs and Brandon Miller are promising, and you get to watch Bronny clap for his dad on the bench, I guess. I actually want to see more minutes from Peyton Watson. I don't know what else to say about the Sixers other than you're not turning the TV on to watch this.
23. Minnesota Timberwolves
Has anyone seen Pankin? Just testing to see if he's reading this. #FreeGiannis #TradeKAT
Having said that. What are the T-Wolves going to do about these new tanking rules? Do they have to make the playoffs one meager time just to reset their clock before trading their stars? Feels like this has to come to a head in some way. Giannis shooting 50% and averaging 30 is still worth watching but this team is right on the cutline between "I'll turn this on while I make dinner" and "I'd rather watch Wheel of Fortune."
22. Boston Celtics
I can't imagine the Celtics are playing a super exciting brand of basketball when Kevon Looney and MKG are on the floor together a lot of the time — unless you like 3-on-5 offense. It works in an FBB sense until you realize those guys are probably funneling more shots to Ja Morant who turns it over four times a game. Ja, Lonnie Walker and Jabari take all of the shots — and Jabari is having a sick season, bless his soul — but I sense no ball movement here, unless it's Ja taking the air out of the ball and sailing it into the stands.
21. Denver Nuggets
Denver is off to a slow start and this ranking largely depends on how you view D'Angelo Russell. Is he a team cancer as some have said, posting pretty stats while actively making his teams worse everywhere he goes? Or is it not his fault? Honestly I should put the Nugs dead last because RJ Barrett is one of the worst players to watch play basketball to ever exist, but my better angels have considered the greatness of Kawhi and Thybulle's three-ish stocks per game as a reason to watch this weird team.
20. Atlanta Hawks
There is only one reason the Hawks are this high on the list and it's the Canadian point guard who their GM will not release back to his native country. Next question please.
19. Detroit Pistons
The league office was excited to get Cade and Tyrese on TV this year, but the fit has been a little clunky — Cade is shooting 43% from the field, Tyrese is at 45%, and neither guy is sure who the point guard is. Pistons coaching staff may need to circle the wagons but Darius Bazley is one of the league's brightest young defenders.
18. Houston Rockets
The Embiid-Steph combo and a couple blue-chip prospects in the rotation is certainly enough to flip on the rebuilt Rockets these days, they just aren't clicking on the court yet. 36-year-old Steph is having an absolutely vintage season, shooting a career-best 52% right now and scoring 25 a game, but Embiid is kind of point shaving at times and Isaac Okoro hasn't consistently been up to Third Banana duties. This rocket seems to be on an upward trajectory, just ask Katy Perry — hopefully it's up there longer than 11 seconds because the Rockets owe their next two firsts to the Cavs.
17. MiamI Heat
The Heat have some very entertaining and fun players who are probably a middling aesthetic fit at best. There's James Harden holding the ball for 18 seconds, there's Sengun posting up with James Wiseman eating up his space, Isaac Bonga and Chris Boucher give them some longbois for defense, and Gordon Hayward wants to retire but can't. Harden is in midst of a 50/40/90 season and should be appointment viewing, but if you don't like the way Harden plays basketball, then you may not want to watch Miami.
16. Portland Trail Blazers
Portland would be higher due to some fun players but the team vibes have been a little off this season during a slow start. Shabazz hasn't been able to repeat last year's dominance and is now facing some of the "losing player" questions that come when you shoot 10000 times a game and aren't winning. I envision Trez as one of the most entertaining role players in the league, and Jerian is like, idk, IRL Mike Conley in this universe, also Poole parties still occurring, but the Blazers are staring down their own mortality a little rn and that's always tough for a TV audience at home to explain to their five-year-olds.
15. New York Knicks
Myles Turner has been a dominant player for a long time, but the Knicks offense is three bigs on the floor at once while Jalen Green and Tyus Jones dribble around. It's a fun version of that offense, at least, but it is not aesthetic basketball.
14. LA Clippers
I only want to hear the announcers say "Mamukelashvili", that's literally it. Fultz is back in LA and the vibes are decent, these guys play hard, Boban is old and Bobby Sterling is sitting courtside with Iggy Azalea oh nooooo.
13. Sacramento Kings
If you love defense, Kings games are for you. Justise Winslow's career year earned Sacramento some major fun points, but Oubre and Okogie throwing bricks up led to some deduction. The Weird And Cool Vibes are high though which goes a long way in my book.
12. Utah Jazz
This iteration of the Jazz revival screams "team that only got scheduled for like two token TNT games then got off to a hot start due to slick coaching and is going to get flexed into prime time ahead of the Rockets because Embiid is hurt." The Jazz are one of the best stories of the season: Jaylen Brown has proven he can be the top dog in a new offense, Fred Van Vleet (though overpaid) is having a solid year playing off the ball, and Alex Caruso has settled in as a starter for the first time and is racking up the stocks. Also there's Henry fuckin Ellenson. This feels like a team me and Steven would have watched at 9pm central time in our college apartment. Who doesn't love some random guys playing team basketball???
11. LA Lakers
The Lake Show has been improving and is now slightly more than mid — this is a classic League Pass funhouse team now that Ricky Rubio is in the fold. I'm imagining them just running and gunning with MPJ, Herro and Clarkson, all their games are high-scoring, Nobody wants to watch defense, but they do want to watch fun, so here you go
10. Toronto Raptors
We're a good team again and there's a lot of young talent on the team playing well, so that's cool — but watching Wemby shoot 36% and do five turnovers a game has to be a little bit depressing for the Canadian fans right now. Plus we're in Canada so nobody is watching us. No. 1 league pass team in this country though. Tariff that, bitches!
9. Golden State Warriors
Personally just love the vibes of this roster — Jrue, Oladipo, Tatum, Zubac and a strong bench, a group that plays team basketball, I'd watch these fellas, why not. They started 11-3 at home and just haven't been able to get it going on the road so far, but I expect some in-season improvement. The parts fit well in my mind and I can see these guys being fun.
8. Orlando Magic
The Magic are so boringly good that you're watching if you like winning basketball but you aren't watching if they're playing the Sixers on a Wednesday night at 7 ET. Sporting a +12 differential, the Magic just bully people and get to the line by running Rui all over the floor, if that doesn't work, Brandon Ingram takes a tough midrange shot. It's working very well. There's a fun cast of characters here including the perpetually underrated Denzel Valentine and large man Zach Edey.
7. Milwaukee Bucks
Kyrie is still insane and Dillon Brooks and Lu Dort are probably brawling with people. That's a solid sell honestly.
6. Charlotte Hornets
This team wields an elite mixture of star power and random fucking guys that viewers can't get enough of. The team doesn't even have a coach - Lou Will makes the DCs himself. You're coming to see Lou and Jamal get shots up while Semi bullies people and JI protects the paint (and the second amendment), but you're staying for the VERY UNDERRATED KELDON JOHNSON!!!
5. Dallas Mavericks
LaMelo in this universe is probably a treat to watch — never turns it over, drops dimes, gets to play with Porzingis. Sabonis playing as a wing off the bench led to some deductions in my mind but the Mavs are probably fun more often than not. Steven Adams setting bone crushing screens is always fun, at least to me.
4. Chicago Bulls
The Bulls definitely led the league in national TV games entering the season before shit went off the rails — having said that, Luka is averaging 42 points per game in 39 minutes. A one-man offense like this is kind of eye-of-the-beholder and the spacing is definitely really clunky up front. But you're tuning in for the Luka show, plus whatever drama is making them struggle through adversity so far, and all their games are high-scoring, so this team rates highly.
3. Phoenix Suns
Do you like post-ups? No? Well fuck you anyway, Jokic and Aaron Gordon is the league's craziest interior punch. Jokic is a joy to watch and earns this team elite status even if this is some physical, boring basketball and the guards hate scoring. I think the star power here and the fact they are +16 in differential tells the story.
2. Washington Bullets
The defending champs are led by (washed?) GOAT KD, rising Anthony Edwards and Tyrese Maxey, the elite interior duo of Brow and Doke, and a sick bench that includes Austin Reaves, Grain God Jr and Skal (lol). These guys are keeping TNT afloat, and TNT knows DRAMA.
1. Seattle Sonics
Brunson-LaVine backcourt coupled with a wide-open style and big stonks from Simmons and DJJ puts these guys at the top of the list. Did I put them here just so Nick doesn't text me about it - also possible - but this team lights it up, plays fast, and has to be a treat to witness. Possible clash of styles with the Suns in the playoffs looming large.
Sup fellas, I'm bored and going to run back this League Pass Rankings concept.
For those unfamiliar, originally pioneered by Zach Lowe (and later, Merv), this article ranks the teams 1-29 in order of (imaginary) watchability. There's a whole rubric that I didn't bother with it — we are going off my preferred vibes only. Which teams would be the most fun to watch hoop? Which ones would make your eyes bleed? Let's discuss.
29. Indiana Pacers
This team may be very solid, but it's also barely even playing basketball. Often rolling out three big men at a time...I guess they don't call them the Indiana Spacers. I imagine De'Aaron Fox holding the ball for 15 seconds while Drummond plays in the dunker spot, Goga screens and whoever else is on the court just stands in the corner. I have deep respect for the Pacers but I would personally not elect to watch this team unless I were De'Aaron Fox's mother.
"At least with the Pacers you have a 50% chance of [seeing] a fight" - Tong
28. Vancouver Grizzlies
Canadian network television won't even show these guys right now — it's just unwatchable Kris Dunn pounding the life out of the basketball. The Twin Towers of Ware and Sarr are at least very interesting in the long run. An offense anchored by Dunn and Desmond Bane is not one your eyes should gaze upon. I'd personally like to see Josh Giddey and Cason Wallace play more. Kira Lewis is fast.
27. Cleveland Cavaliers
I imagine this as a true ISO-ball wasteland with Ausar, Franz, Sexton and Siakam basically taking turns. Kemba Walker doesn't even play for some reason. The Cavs are still figuring out their identity, but right now it's not aesthetically pleasing!
26. San Antonio Spurs
There are less expensive ways to see Black Dick than taking your family to the FrostBank Center. But hey, Tobias Harris has earned a trade block post.
25. New Jersey Nets
For a team that should be young and fun, these guys are probably not even that young and fun, although adding the rising Darius Garland to upgrade the point guard black hole helps. Thinking about SLN Zion is depressing. None of these other guys can make a shot — except Corn Prince Keegan Murray is shooting nearly 50% post-supercamp. The Nets' best player is a defensive big man, which kinda tells you the story here. Imagine trying to market this team to fans in Newark. What if we kissed under the giant Jonathan Kuminga poster above the alley behind the Prudential Center?
24. Philadelphia 76ers
Twilight LeBron and Geriatric Boogie are the only reasons to watch a Sixers game, which are still reasons. 16 turnovers a night is rough. Jalen Suggs and Brandon Miller are promising, and you get to watch Bronny clap for his dad on the bench, I guess. I actually want to see more minutes from Peyton Watson. I don't know what else to say about the Sixers other than you're not turning the TV on to watch this.
23. Minnesota Timberwolves
Has anyone seen Pankin? Just testing to see if he's reading this. #FreeGiannis #TradeKAT
Having said that. What are the T-Wolves going to do about these new tanking rules? Do they have to make the playoffs one meager time just to reset their clock before trading their stars? Feels like this has to come to a head in some way. Giannis shooting 50% and averaging 30 is still worth watching but this team is right on the cutline between "I'll turn this on while I make dinner" and "I'd rather watch Wheel of Fortune."
22. Boston Celtics
I can't imagine the Celtics are playing a super exciting brand of basketball when Kevon Looney and MKG are on the floor together a lot of the time — unless you like 3-on-5 offense. It works in an FBB sense until you realize those guys are probably funneling more shots to Ja Morant who turns it over four times a game. Ja, Lonnie Walker and Jabari take all of the shots — and Jabari is having a sick season, bless his soul — but I sense no ball movement here, unless it's Ja taking the air out of the ball and sailing it into the stands.
21. Denver Nuggets
Denver is off to a slow start and this ranking largely depends on how you view D'Angelo Russell. Is he a team cancer as some have said, posting pretty stats while actively making his teams worse everywhere he goes? Or is it not his fault? Honestly I should put the Nugs dead last because RJ Barrett is one of the worst players to watch play basketball to ever exist, but my better angels have considered the greatness of Kawhi and Thybulle's three-ish stocks per game as a reason to watch this weird team.
20. Atlanta Hawks
There is only one reason the Hawks are this high on the list and it's the Canadian point guard who their GM will not release back to his native country. Next question please.
19. Detroit Pistons
The league office was excited to get Cade and Tyrese on TV this year, but the fit has been a little clunky — Cade is shooting 43% from the field, Tyrese is at 45%, and neither guy is sure who the point guard is. Pistons coaching staff may need to circle the wagons but Darius Bazley is one of the league's brightest young defenders.
18. Houston Rockets
The Embiid-Steph combo and a couple blue-chip prospects in the rotation is certainly enough to flip on the rebuilt Rockets these days, they just aren't clicking on the court yet. 36-year-old Steph is having an absolutely vintage season, shooting a career-best 52% right now and scoring 25 a game, but Embiid is kind of point shaving at times and Isaac Okoro hasn't consistently been up to Third Banana duties. This rocket seems to be on an upward trajectory, just ask Katy Perry — hopefully it's up there longer than 11 seconds because the Rockets owe their next two firsts to the Cavs.
17. MiamI Heat
The Heat have some very entertaining and fun players who are probably a middling aesthetic fit at best. There's James Harden holding the ball for 18 seconds, there's Sengun posting up with James Wiseman eating up his space, Isaac Bonga and Chris Boucher give them some longbois for defense, and Gordon Hayward wants to retire but can't. Harden is in midst of a 50/40/90 season and should be appointment viewing, but if you don't like the way Harden plays basketball, then you may not want to watch Miami.
16. Portland Trail Blazers
Portland would be higher due to some fun players but the team vibes have been a little off this season during a slow start. Shabazz hasn't been able to repeat last year's dominance and is now facing some of the "losing player" questions that come when you shoot 10000 times a game and aren't winning. I envision Trez as one of the most entertaining role players in the league, and Jerian is like, idk, IRL Mike Conley in this universe, also Poole parties still occurring, but the Blazers are staring down their own mortality a little rn and that's always tough for a TV audience at home to explain to their five-year-olds.
15. New York Knicks
Myles Turner has been a dominant player for a long time, but the Knicks offense is three bigs on the floor at once while Jalen Green and Tyus Jones dribble around. It's a fun version of that offense, at least, but it is not aesthetic basketball.
14. LA Clippers
I only want to hear the announcers say "Mamukelashvili", that's literally it. Fultz is back in LA and the vibes are decent, these guys play hard, Boban is old and Bobby Sterling is sitting courtside with Iggy Azalea oh nooooo.
13. Sacramento Kings
If you love defense, Kings games are for you. Justise Winslow's career year earned Sacramento some major fun points, but Oubre and Okogie throwing bricks up led to some deduction. The Weird And Cool Vibes are high though which goes a long way in my book.
12. Utah Jazz
This iteration of the Jazz revival screams "team that only got scheduled for like two token TNT games then got off to a hot start due to slick coaching and is going to get flexed into prime time ahead of the Rockets because Embiid is hurt." The Jazz are one of the best stories of the season: Jaylen Brown has proven he can be the top dog in a new offense, Fred Van Vleet (though overpaid) is having a solid year playing off the ball, and Alex Caruso has settled in as a starter for the first time and is racking up the stocks. Also there's Henry fuckin Ellenson. This feels like a team me and Steven would have watched at 9pm central time in our college apartment. Who doesn't love some random guys playing team basketball???
11. LA Lakers
The Lake Show has been improving and is now slightly more than mid — this is a classic League Pass funhouse team now that Ricky Rubio is in the fold. I'm imagining them just running and gunning with MPJ, Herro and Clarkson, all their games are high-scoring, Nobody wants to watch defense, but they do want to watch fun, so here you go
10. Toronto Raptors
We're a good team again and there's a lot of young talent on the team playing well, so that's cool — but watching Wemby shoot 36% and do five turnovers a game has to be a little bit depressing for the Canadian fans right now. Plus we're in Canada so nobody is watching us. No. 1 league pass team in this country though. Tariff that, bitches!
9. Golden State Warriors
Personally just love the vibes of this roster — Jrue, Oladipo, Tatum, Zubac and a strong bench, a group that plays team basketball, I'd watch these fellas, why not. They started 11-3 at home and just haven't been able to get it going on the road so far, but I expect some in-season improvement. The parts fit well in my mind and I can see these guys being fun.
8. Orlando Magic
The Magic are so boringly good that you're watching if you like winning basketball but you aren't watching if they're playing the Sixers on a Wednesday night at 7 ET. Sporting a +12 differential, the Magic just bully people and get to the line by running Rui all over the floor, if that doesn't work, Brandon Ingram takes a tough midrange shot. It's working very well. There's a fun cast of characters here including the perpetually underrated Denzel Valentine and large man Zach Edey.
7. Milwaukee Bucks
Kyrie is still insane and Dillon Brooks and Lu Dort are probably brawling with people. That's a solid sell honestly.
6. Charlotte Hornets
This team wields an elite mixture of star power and random fucking guys that viewers can't get enough of. The team doesn't even have a coach - Lou Will makes the DCs himself. You're coming to see Lou and Jamal get shots up while Semi bullies people and JI protects the paint (and the second amendment), but you're staying for the VERY UNDERRATED KELDON JOHNSON!!!
5. Dallas Mavericks
LaMelo in this universe is probably a treat to watch — never turns it over, drops dimes, gets to play with Porzingis. Sabonis playing as a wing off the bench led to some deductions in my mind but the Mavs are probably fun more often than not. Steven Adams setting bone crushing screens is always fun, at least to me.
4. Chicago Bulls
The Bulls definitely led the league in national TV games entering the season before shit went off the rails — having said that, Luka is averaging 42 points per game in 39 minutes. A one-man offense like this is kind of eye-of-the-beholder and the spacing is definitely really clunky up front. But you're tuning in for the Luka show, plus whatever drama is making them struggle through adversity so far, and all their games are high-scoring, so this team rates highly.
3. Phoenix Suns
Do you like post-ups? No? Well fuck you anyway, Jokic and Aaron Gordon is the league's craziest interior punch. Jokic is a joy to watch and earns this team elite status even if this is some physical, boring basketball and the guards hate scoring. I think the star power here and the fact they are +16 in differential tells the story.
2. Washington Bullets
The defending champs are led by (washed?) GOAT KD, rising Anthony Edwards and Tyrese Maxey, the elite interior duo of Brow and Doke, and a sick bench that includes Austin Reaves, Grain God Jr and Skal (lol). These guys are keeping TNT afloat, and TNT knows DRAMA.
1. Seattle Sonics
Brunson-LaVine backcourt coupled with a wide-open style and big stonks from Simmons and DJJ puts these guys at the top of the list. Did I put them here just so Nick doesn't text me about it - also possible - but this team lights it up, plays fast, and has to be a treat to witness. Possible clash of styles with the Suns in the playoffs looming large.
Last edited by jwoo on April 16th, 2025, 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
free healthcare has never been more important
2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
we have a certain brand of basketball here in indiana and this is the most on-brand team yet
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SWAMP STEVEN
- General Manager
- Posts: 1251
- Joined: January 5th, 2024, 2:11 pm
2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
“Do you like post-ups? No? Well fuck you anyway”
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
You have no idea how far some people will go to see some black dick
Promos:
Just the Tip-Off Opening Night- 10/31
Raw Dog with Gradey - Half Off Hot Dogs - 11/7
Go Balls Deep - Mini Basektball Giveaway- 12/24
No Pull Out Night - Gradey Plays 48 Minutes - 1/19
Wet Dick Night - Free Pepsi- 2/14
Load Management 3/4
Just the Tip-Off Opening Night- 10/31
Raw Dog with Gradey - Half Off Hot Dogs - 11/7
Go Balls Deep - Mini Basektball Giveaway- 12/24
No Pull Out Night - Gradey Plays 48 Minutes - 1/19
Wet Dick Night - Free Pepsi- 2/14
Load Management 3/4
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mantypas/CavsCzar
- General Manager
- Posts: 2576
- Joined: December 20th, 2023, 12:06 pm
2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
Kemba doesnt play because he is old, he stinks, and we have a billion other PGs that need to be evaluated
FOR THE LAND - believe!
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mantypas/CavsCzar
- General Manager
- Posts: 2576
- Joined: December 20th, 2023, 12:06 pm
2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
fun ticle though, big fan of Mr. Lowe, excited he is back with Simmons
FOR THE LAND - believe!
2024-25 SLN League Pass Rankings (Day 36)
No way the Suns are fun to watch right? It’s 5 dudes playing in the paint on offense
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