REPORT: Woo Has Locked Steven in His House [SWAMPSTORYZ 12]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Thank you for reading SwampMedia. If you liked this article, consider subscribing to support our independent journalism. Just 500 RP a day allows our newsroom to make content like the SLN Immaculate Grid, those vaporware Nets jerseyswaps, "Every GM as a Famous Pair of Boobies" and Royce White's forthcoming Lunchables: The Musical [with simulated Idina Menzel as Salami, our principle love interest!]

Your correspondent here urges you all to revisit when Lob City's core boxed DeAndre Jordan inside his Texas home the day before 2015 NBA free agency became official. Remember when real Paul Pierce posted a grainy screenshot of the rocket emoji? Remember when sim Paul Pierce slingshot [ed: slangshitted] a bowling ball through my Nissan Ultima because he found out about my side thing with Concepcion? Everything about this was charming and stupid in the best ways, from Mark Cuban circling the block and languishing to the visual of a six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch man getting soft-kidnapped by his friends. I preface to say that the simulated equivalent of this is happening right now, and it's gravely serious this time. Do you ever wonder what you would have done in the face of historic injustice? Now is your time to find out.

Sources close to the situation tell SwampMedia that Toronto Raptors GM Jeremy Woo has endungeoned the New Jersey Nets's Steven "Mr. Big Shot? Please, Mr. Big Shot is My Dad, call me Mr. Big Shot Jr." Swampenstein. With a chair behind the front door, and the back porch sealed off by a rotating cadre of mean-spirited fourth graders [ed: youth is wasted on the young ] Steven fears he won't be able to leave the Chicago apartment without trading Woo the no. 2 pick in the SLN Draft. Raptors wing Joe Ingles is tweeting, and subsequently freehand tattooing, a series of emojis to decorate the moment. Yes, in this spacetime, Joe Ingles has gone way of Mike Scott. Did you know that in every simulated iteration of organized basketball, there must be one player that assumes the aesthetic and sexual properties of Mike Scott? It's an ancient and cosmic cipher both inherited and essential, like Sin in Final Fantasy X, or a hot naked chick holding a guitar over her p-word and you can still kind of see the boobs.

Recall the iconography of Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange, eyes forced open to watch brainwashed cruelty on the screen. That's what Jere is allegedly doing to Steven, only it's to watch Ted 2 [ed: Mantypas will never be forgotten nor forgiven]. "These accusations are demonstratively false," Woo told press through piglatin interpreter Ippei Mizugrundle. "And IF I did it, I would've picked Norbit. Why are you wincing at an OJ Simpson joke? It's 2013...have we really not moved on?"

An anonymous rival executive [ed: it was Jake, that's what 'anonymous' means, it means Heimer] opined that the Raptors are eager to jump up the draft order and select Giannis "The Cyprus Cicko" Antetokounmpo, after presumed no. 2 pick Rudy Gobert shot to the top of draft boards when it was revealed that he poops standing up. Mind you, it's not like a "he can poop standing up if he needed to" thing. Mere demonstration is but a cheap party trick. When JaMarcus Russell went to the NFL Combine and threw that baby lizard 60 yards from his knees...it's not that. Rudy "The Booty" Gobert PREFERS to be fully vertical when he drops the kids off at the fecal pool [ed: I hate editing your work. Truly, wholly hate it. Going through your drafts are why I drink these shrimp martini pouches]. With Gobert certain to go first, Toronto has set its eyes on Giannis at 2, cheeks firmly on seat. Is that why they installed huge googly eyes on the arena? For the bit??? And no title sponsor?!?!?! Psychotic.

Another anonymous exec [ed: this one was Joe, 'anonymous' in Latin is 'Jœ'] sees the Raptors going a different direction should they acquire the second pick in tonight's draft. League intel is buzzing about Victor Oladipo, after the Indiana star made an appearance on ABC's Dancing with the Simulated Stars: And We're all Adults in this League So this Version of the Show is Extra Freaky. After flagrantly bombing a rendition of "That Song From Madden" by Franz Ferdinand, Oladipo revealed himself to be a series of Indianan nesting dolls - a chilling, Lynchian sequence that made guest judge Tay Monday throw up from his butt. For scouts, this raises a series of interesting questions and ethical concerns. Is this content within content? Do we get bonus RP for such spirited creativity? Find out after the jump:

BUT FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR PRESENTING SPONSOR, Outkast. Have you listened to an Outkast album recently? Transcendent, thrilling, joyous. Any album will do, even Idlewild, which this correspondent bought AND saw in theaters the day it came out in 2006! It shouldn't be Idlewild, though. We defy our readership to bump "Ghetto Musick" and not catch the feeling. Jeremy has the Aquemini vinyl on his shelf here, but he won't let us listen to it...yeah, nothing but Ted 2 and the Ted 2 original soundtrack.

Interesting Questions and Ethical Concerns Regarding Victor Oladipo and his Nesting-Doll-Ass

Can Ashes make players get smaller over time?

Can Ashes make players get exponentially worse with each successive year? What if that first year was amazing? How would that player be valued by win-now teams?

Can Ashes give players status ailments? If so, can he give all the Swampdragons players that blinking green light that signifies poison in turn-based RPGs? We don't want the actual poison, just the look. Maybe opponents will see the blinking green light and figure, "hey, these guys are hurting, we don't need to go full-strength against them," but little do they know, WE ARE ACTUALLY STRONGER THAN EVER, FULLY HEALTHY, well except for the cholera but they wouldn't know about that and also it doesn't affect basketball THAT much, chill out.

Are there other nesting dolls among us in the league right now? I bet Tonger is a nesting doll. Maybe it's an Indiana thing. Right now in 2013, both Mike Pence and Pete Buttigieg are scaling up careers in electoral politics AS FRIGGIN' NESTING DOLLS. Wake up sherpon; I can't say sheeple, because if I'm being real with myself, I've never had more than one person listen to me.

SwampMedia can't afford to syndicate the X-Files music cues (please subscribe), but do those in your head as your correspondent offers one more theory. Speaking to Seattle's Sonics Curry, we're told to consider the unbelievable: Jeremy is holding Steven inside and attempting to biochemically siphon his mythical swamp powers. Did any of our readers make their way through the Game of Thrones books? Nerds, absolute nerds and p-words, the lot of you. But did any of our readers make their way through the Game of Thrones TV show? That was kinda sick. And Jeremy is indeed playing in shades of Robert Baratheon, in that he wants to sublimate the dragon blood dynasty and also that he got molliwopped by a wild boar in college. Nick openly speculates that Woo is targeting the fuzzy, sticky planet of the Swampstoryz. The Nets' tree has sigils of a DINOSAUR and a MAGE. Is that not how you get a handsome and well-endowed SWAMPDRAGON? Wake up, sherpon.

As Woo remains steadfast in his innocence, we're left to ponder his motives. The draft looms closer, and whatever happens at the end of Ted 2 is happening now to signal the passage of time. In real life, DeAndre Jordan succumbed to the pressures, spurning Dallas and accidentally tipping the NBA's balance of power. Will Steven suffer a similar fate? Can Paul Pierce learn to heal from the trauma of past relationships? Why is Lunchables: The Musical so over budget? Metaphysically speaking, HOW DOES ONE POOP STANDING UP?! OH MERCIFUL SIM OVERLOAD, GIVE US DELIVERANCE. Give us an Outkast album that is not Idlewild. Get us out of Woo's apartment, at least to the taco spot across the street.

UPDATE:

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[SWAMP STEVEN]

@Joe @SoNicks @heimer @mantypas/CavsCzar @tonger @ashes @Andre3000

[jwoo]

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[jwoo]

just learned Ray Charles is on the Ted 2 soundtrack and Steven had mean things to say about Ray Charles, who is blind as fuck, wtf man

[Josh]

I would like to subscribe. you had me at famous boobies

[SWAMP STEVEN]

I would like to subscribe. you had me at famous boobies

Spoken like a true Sydney Sweeney

[jwoo]

I told Steven he should write "all 29 GMs as a specific picture of Sydney Sweeney's breasts" but he has thus far declined

[Merv]

Why Ted 2?

[SWAMP STEVEN]

That’s between god and mantypas

[heimer]

RUMOR: Ippei was seen betting against Rudy Gobert’s ability to execute the poop party trick