2028 Live-ish Draft Reactions - FIN!

[Clinton]

Enjoy my unruly, extremely facetious takes on your horrendous draft choices. Using Fortune Teller Baba, i predict that the avg grade for you goons will be C+ this year. LETS SEE HOW SENSITIVE WE ALL ARE! Lol

While we wait on our statistics whiz Monsieur Tong Papi to make his pick, i wish to congratulate him and Jordo on championship seasons in the NDL and SLN respectively. The Ants lead by MVP LaBaron Philon, Hansen Yang, and Sinan Huan went on a magical run to bring a championship to Fort Wayne.

Reports out of San Antonio are that the current dildo throwing at WNBA games is an ode to Gradey Dick getting the Spurs a championship. Keep em flying people.

Draft File:draft/draftplayers-pot.htm
Draft Notes:viewtopic.php?t=5519

A tad bored so im just gonna list the top 5 by each rating.

Inside:
1. Rayvon Griffith(SF): B+
2. Beckham Black(PG): B+
3. Paul Osaruyi(PF): B+
4. King Gibson(SG): B
5. Khani Roots(SF): B

Outside:
1. Baba Oladotun(SG): A-
2. Jackson McAndrew(PF): B+
3. Gavin Griffiths(SF): B+
4. Godson Okokoh(PF): B+
5. Christian Anderson(PG): B

Handles:
1. Beckham Black(PG): B+
2. Donovan Dent(PG): B+
3. Christian Anderson(PG): B
4. “The Kid” Dooney Johnson(SF): B
5. Aden Holloway(PG): B

Defense:
1. Godson Okokoh(PF): B+
2. Lincoln Cosby(SF): B+
3. Christian Anderson(PG): B
4. Bruce Branch III(SF): B
5. Donovan Dent(PG): B

Rebounding:
1. Rayvon Griffith(SF): B+
2. Tarik Watson(PF): B
3. Jaden Toombs(C): B
4. Motiejus Krivus(C): B-
5. Jayden Quaintance(C): B-

Profile Guys:
King Gibson, Boyuan Zhang, Bruce Branch III, Godson Okokoh, Baba Oladotun, Dooney Johnson, Jayden Quaintance, Karim Lopez
(Rankings by Derek: https://simleaguenirvana.com/viewtopic.php?t=5528)

Draft Order:
LOTTERY:
1. Indiana Pacers: Karim Lopez — SF — Mexico
Analysis: After reading this profile, i can wrap my head around this pick. Wings that can rebound at an elite level are like a cheat code in SLN. The Thompson Twins are the new status quo at SF, so getting a guy who shows signs of that all around play like them is a solid idea. Still, 5 guys with higher scouted pot Tong, so you know what grade this is getting.
Grade: C+

Edit: im lowkey liking this pick by Tong. Just surprised me out of the gate. Ill bump my grade up because fuck it.
Grade: A

2. Los Angeles Lakers: Godson Okokoh — PF — UCLA
Analysis: I found it intriguing that a PF had B+ outside and B+ defense. Do you change him to SF? Do you just let him burn at PF to get those inside/strength gains? Decisions. Yeah idk, dude is probs happy that he gets to stay in LA as well(which is a thing because Ashes spoke about it once). The Lakers have a nice group of young talent and Godson adds a necessary front court piece for them. He instantly becomes their best defender(unless Meleek says otherwise), and can hold down those starting PF minutes w/o taking shots away from others just yet.
Grade: A
3. Denver Nuggets: Baba Oladotun — SG — Maryland
Analysis: Nuggets take the best shooter in the draft. His notes read pretty fucking well. I feel like he really does need +10 strength and his inside/reb ratings will pop. This pick is a little repetitive after the Alijah pick last yr but if you can potentially get the best shooter of All-Time, you go with it. Me thinks Godson was the real want here but thats purely speculation.
Grade: A

TRADE ALERT
4. Chicago Bulls(via CHA): Bruce Branch III — SF
Analysis: The Windy City rebuild is officially underway(draft-wise). Matt snags the top scouted pot player in the file after paying Charlotte the 15th pick and 200RP to move up one pick. Branch’s inside is closer to B than C+ among the B- players in the file. Whereas his outside is closer to C+ than B. His starting defense is the real pull here. Fourth in the file, starting w a B and notes that backup the rating. While not a superstar, this is a great building block for the Bulls organization. I am going to knock this because did you really have to give shit up when there are two SFs at the top of the board? That pot mustve looked juicy in those private workouts.
Grade: B+

5. Charlotte Hornets(via CHI): “The Kid” Dooney Johnson — SF
Analysis: Charlotte makes a nice play here moving back one spot and still getting a top 2 scouted pot guy in the file. On a pure fun basis, Charlotte looks to have gotten the better player. Dooneys notes read like he is a crashout. Just pure balls to the wall at all times. Charlottes roster page is barren so it should be fun figuring out his best position.
Grade: A+

6. Portland Trailblazers: Boyuan Zhang — SF
Analysis: Quady and I were going thru it this past season. He had the cojones to do what i couldnt though and flip into a nice little pivot. If we are talking Boyuan, we are talking the stip. A very similar stip to Eddie Griffins, as Merv pointed out, is like a russian roulette for the player. What i want to know is will Sam be told on +/- to the pot? I guess it makes it more interesting if its all speculation. If Profit makes it to the NDL im gonna be so hyped. But uhm yeah, good pick, fun stip, fits the board. This team is devoid of FC players though so i gotta ding it.
Grade: B+

7. Utah Jazz: King Gibson — SG
Analysis: Might be a hypocrite with my analysis here, so check me if i am. I was cool w Baba to Denver because his shooting could become the best ever. On the flip side, i am a slut for defense and King could become a legitimate chess piece player but will that happen for Ralph is my question. Matisse is the goal but what if the shooting takes too long to come around? He is going to shoot it regardless because of that inside game. Fuck it, i could bitch about what i think the Jazz shouldve done here but im just gonna go with the thought that you can SC his shooting and hope for natural improvement to where King becomes a legendary two-way guy.
Grade: B

8. Charlotte Hornets(via NJN): Jayden Quiantance — C — Kentucky
Analysis: Already sporting one undersized big, the Hornets grab another Jay to their big rotation. He is extremely flawed on offense but should be stocky and get boards, so he should be extremely valuable to most this league? Yeah? Idk i think he falls in other drafts but he is THE center of this draft so good for Burnsy snagging him now. Charlotte walks away from this lottery filling two needs, nicely done.
Grade: C- for that fourth lowest outside rating in the file

Trade Alert
9. Chicano Bulls(via MIL): Anthony Black Jr. — PG
Analysis: Two Brothers… are they actually brothers? I know a brother wouldnt be a brothers junior, but you never know! Matt takes the top PG prospect in this draft in Beckham Black. No, there will be zero bending it like beckham references, welp just did it, oh well. Chicago needed a young point guard prospect and this league usually works when you just start throwing darts at the board until one hits. Wow just realized that both Chicago picks initials are B.B., added points for consistency Matt. Nice lottery to fill some needs and get a couple guys on the all rookie team here.
Grade: B.B. +++

10. Milwaukee Bucks(via CHI, via GSW argh): CJ Rosser — PF — UNC
Analysis: Rosser had some decent combine games and was the second to last A pot guy still available. He will take these talents to a Bucks team that traded away Kyrie and Tyus this past season(KP too?) and is looking towards the future instead. Its almost like the front office forgot about their pick last year, one Mr. Samuel “Funnions” Funchess. Boumtje Boumtje wont be there at 24, Derek! This team will have 0 fears, point center Peat, and Rosser doing big thangs in Milwaukee next season. Top 5 pick incoming. Rosser is a fine pick here though and it makes sense. Derek does well drafting scoring bigs so i wont hate on this.

Ill add a lil more bc i just did some research. CJ could really be tossed at SF because of how raw he is and how quick he is but i think you could just hope for the teen boost and hope for the best w/ big butt camps. To me, “raw” just means toss him wherever and ride it out. I hope i eat shit when it comes to this grade.
Grade: B

—— SHIT TALK BREAK ——
What a slow draft? After last seasons record breaking pace, this draft has come to two stand stills. I am not blaming anyone, seeing as i am usually as asshole when my pick comes around because who i wanted was just taken. Are people afraid of their pick being graded and broken down? Giving them instant regret and spiraling them into self hate? Nah no, thats just me AND i do not hold that much power…unless…

I know one person gives a fuck about this article and thats why im still doing it, thanks Jeremy.

I saw Tong was looking at it yesterday and i could tell he read it and said “fuck you Clint” hahahaha. No statistical analysis here buddyyyy, just vibes.

So who wants Fultz? Anyone? Asking for a friend *paid for by Toronto Woo LLC

Cant wait until Quady comes rolling thru at grading time and tosses a 565 grade on this bih. Ill never forget Nav giving this like 850RP one season and forever being grateful. Was it part of an under the table deal for Bamba? Perhaps but whose to say.

Oh for anyone who cares, Wes broke my record in Balatro and I subsequently broke said record again. Good luck my padawan.

Anyone burn Cyberpunk 77? Game fucks. I had a 12hr straight bender of that game this past weekend and its legit. Is it mass effect? No. Is it GTA? Fuck no. But its a fun middle ground. I know all you fuckers are ripping CFB26, and i hope Ashes is thrashing you all.

MY GMOTY COMMITTEE MEMBER SCOOPS HAS SPOKEN, lets get back to it.

——END SHIT TALK BREAK——

11. Miami Heat: Joaquim Boumtje Boumtje — C — Spain
Analysis: Oh Derek, you couldve had it allll, rollin in the Boumtje Boumtje. Instead Scoops gets a top 5 all time fun name in Boumtje Boumtje. Hey scoops, if u read this, Zu is still available . JBB had a couple great combine games to boost his stock(unneeded). Now i do think he fits in the category of “this dude wont be loved by all”. Boy is he gonna be a bucket in the FC though. I wonder if you are doing him a disservice by camping him like a booty, i mean youll have to, but he could be a crazy stretch scoring big. I like the addition especially with all Miami’s, except for the franchise, being on expirings. Oh shit just make Boumtje Boumtje a SF, this one could be Myles Turner territory.
Grade: A

12. Boston Celtics(Forfeited)

13. Minnesota Timberwolves : Fabian Kayser — SF — Germany
Analysis: Minnesota was in the playoff hunt all last season and their playoff aspirations should be no different this upcoming year. Kayser has the “cannot go to the NDL” tag and the 14th highest scouted pot, so this fits where he couldve gone. 19yr old and the 8th best outside in the file, being closer to B+ than B-. Yeah its a good pick. Pankin will need to get around to adding defense to this team but I like the addition of Fabian as a long term play, who is already too good to be housed in the NDL.
Grade: B

—Scouted Pot Best Available for NDL—
5. Jeremiah Profit — SG — 19yo — A
11. Nasir Anderson — PG — 21yo — B
13. Kiyan Anthony(Melos Kid) — SG — 22yo — B
14. Marcus Spears Jr. — PF — 19yo — B
15. Nikola Kusturica — SG — 19yo — B
16. Paul Osaruyi — PF — 20yo — B
18. Gabe Nesmith — SG — 21yo — B
19. Luigi Suigo — C — 20 — B

NDL ZONE:
14. Indiana Pacers(via SEA): Nikola Kusturica — SG — Costa Rica
Analysis: How do you improve a championship winning NDL squad? By infusing it with a do-it-all above avg except for rebounding wing. That teen boost in tow, Tong should be adding to his trove of talent he has added over the past few seasons.
Grade: A

15. Charlotte Hornets(via CHI via DET): Jeremiah The Profit — SG
Analysis: The Profit has come to Charlotte…or for now their NDL affiliate. You have two life paths here, athlete or bible pusher, lets hope the first one takes hold for Burns’ sake. He isnt particularly good at anything yet but he will have a lot of leeway with the Hornets still looking to add young talent in the near future. I liked the Dooney and Jayden picks but i wonder if this pick couldve been used on someone like Spears or Nasir. Who tf knows, super high pot, take a swing.(totally graded Jayden a C- for jokes, i really do like the pick.)
Grade: C+

16. Vancouver Grizzlies(via SAC): Marcus Spears Jr — PF — Texas Tech
Analysis: Josh has got the Grizzlies in an enviable position. Team is doing work in the western conference as of late, and this organization just gets to stockpile young talent at the same time. Spears looks like he could eat in the NDL and perhaps be a long term plus at rebounding. Defense needs to come around but at the very least looks to be a solid depth big man. Really crazy that i remember Bane being 25 and trying to snag him. I blink and he is 30 and in his contract yr. THIS LEAGUE MOVES FAST.
Grade: A

17. Utah Jazz(via PHX): Mahamadou Landoure — C — Mali
Analysis: Boy Ralph has his mind on cake . Future butt looks to be the idea w Landoure and if he hits it could be a boon for the Jazz. Has anyone from Mali ever been drafted before? Ill research that later. Dude is on the cusp of B- in both def and reb. Yeah this has turned out to be a great first round for the Jazz this season, nice one Ralph, go Yazz!
Grade: B+

TRADE ALERT
18. Toronto Raptors(via VAN via LAC): Martay Barnes — PG — Kansas
Analysis: “He is Gary Payton II”. That is what an SLN scout has told me about Martay Barnes. Listen, eye of the beholder, thats the draft. PGs usually have wild TCs and if Barnes gets that then its another draft hit for Toronto. If dude never learns how to shoot then he gets the Rondo treatment. Toronto jumped to this spot specifically for Barnes, so whatever the scout was mustve been legit enough. His notes do read well, only downside is his offense.
Grade: N/A, i refuse to pander but i dont wanna disappoint. Make something of yourself MartAY.

----SHIT TALK BREAK----
Finally switched to editing this on my laptop and I truly believe the phone provides more juice. Oh well.

Grading each pick is the most witless part of this entire article. I keep getting to the point of grading and i just toss something random out there. Zero thought whatsoever.

Where fore art thou Nolan!

ALL GRADES ARE NOW BASED OFF TIME TAKEN TO MAKE PICKS.


19. Houston Rockets: Rayvon Griffith — SF
Analysis: Surprised Rayvon didnt go a tad higher with B+ rebounding for a wing but good for Nolan getting his guy. Rayvon can probably step into a depth role immediately and not get toonched. Cant wait to see what else Nolan has in store for his offseason, but solid start here.
Grade: C-

20. Sacramento Kings(via WAS): Nathan Soliman — PF
Analysis: Jesse snags a 19yr old scoring 4 with the 20th pick. Guess the trade for Asa didnt mean jack shit for Sac. Always thinking 5 trades ahead, lets see what the future holds for Soliman, who should be gone if he isnt helping his NDL team win.
Grade: B-

21. Portland Trailblazers(via ATL): Kiyan Anthony — SG
Analysis: Kiyan falls to 21 after being the 13th highest scouted pot in the file. Long term thoughts here by Portland. Send him down to the NDL and hope he has enough Carmelo in him to give him value down the line. This team needed FC help and took 2hrs on the horn but yeah i like the idea of just adding pot for the future.
Grade: i dont care anymore

22. Charlotte Hornets(via PHI): Lincoln Cosby — SF
Analysis: If it didnt take 12hrs to make this pick id be over the moon about it. I love the idea of Cosby and surprised he fell here. Could care less about notes when youre sporting B+ defense as a 20yr old and will be able to at least get one boosted season in the NDL. Nice snag.

23. Denver Nuggets(via VAN): Christian Anderson — PG
Analysis: Nevermind the fact that Denver is tanking and couldve used a prospect like Nasir instead. Instead, they snag the Walter Clayton Jr. of this draft. At least Denver got their guy and a PG prospect.

24. Milwaukee Bucks(via NYK): TJ Crumble
Analysis: The NDL promotion nights are going to be quite interesting with Crumble in tow. Hearing that Crumble is already setting up a booth at Milwaukees farmers market as we speak.

25. Philadelphia 76ers(via CLE): Sir Mohammed
Analysis: First Jeremiah Profit, now Sir Mohammed. Ashes out here starting a holy war b/w Charlotte and Philly. Are you saying “yea sure” or “yes sir”? Littering and…littering and…littering and smoking the reeefer. Nah solid pick DMO, stash and find out here.

26. Los Angeles Lakers(via DAL): Jaden Toombs
Analysis: While GX was getting toonched out on the water on a fine Saturday afternoon, it dawned on him, SLN draft. Toombs looks like a cool stash. Lakers needed to add some FC prospects to the mix. It works out, cool, it doesnt? Well this team has plenty of picks in their trove to fuck around and find out in the future. Toombs also seems to be a crowd pleasing name to say.

27. Denver Nuggets(via ORL): Tarik Watson — PF
Analysis: Watch Kipke do really well this season on the backs of Anderson and Watson, two ready made SLN backups. Denver always fucks on the Warriors so im already setting myself up to give career nights to the both of them. Yeah idk B/B to start at def/reb is pretty sweet for a PF. Ive come around on Denvers thought process with their past two picks now as well.

28. Toronto Raptors: Dante Allen — SG
Analysis: Yeah idfk, Jeremy probably scouted the Maliks son. Probably gonna turn out like Okoro just cause.

29. New Jersey Nets(via SAS): Nasir Anderson — PG
Analysis: Arent you happy you made a good choice Skittles? Last season JJ Andrews, a high scout pot PG prospect fell to my pick in the 2nd. He won ROY. This year Nasty Nas falls to the 29th pick, an organization in desperate need of PG play. Yeah i love this fit all around. Good job duder.

Thus ends the slowest round 1 of the slowest draft i have ever seen. 75% of this league doesnt ever tune into this article because im not Heimer and to you all i say poppycock and eat a fat one.

[GX.]

Zero clue that’s how you spell facetious. And took me way too long to figure out that’s the word you spelled. Face-shus is how I read it

[Clinton]

Zero clue that’s how you spell facetious. And took me way too long to figure out that’s the word you spelled. Face-shus is how I read it

[SourKittles]

damn, gotta trade my pick to avoid getting ROASTED

[Clinton]

damn, gotta trade my pick to avoid getting ROASTED

[jwoo]

good work clint

too bad the draft has died

[GX.]

Oh baby I’ll take an A

[jwoo]

excellent blogwork

[pacers]

I saw Tong was looking at it yesterday and i could tell he read it and said “fuck you Clint” hahahaha. No statistical analysis here buddyyyy, just vibes.

can neither confirm nor deny

[mantypas/CavsCzar]

I saw Tong was looking at it yesterday and i could tell he read it and said “fuck you Clint” hahahaha. No statistical analysis here buddyyyy, just vibes.

can neither confirm nor deny