A DRAGON'S EGG HATCHES [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 16]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

THAT BIGGER CONFERENCE ROOM ON THE FOURTH FLOOR — Britt Daniel knows what you're thinking. Why would the lead singer of Spoon (and the lesser-known Divine Fits, and the lesser-known-than-that Coy Boy Revue) concede life as a decorated rockstar to co-manage some simulated basketball team?

"Check this, right: back in the day, when you made it onto a Scrubs season soundtrack, they would automatically wait-list ya for an Iberian microstate," Daniel says, wistfully. "That lil bitch from The Fray and I are still splitting a Bohemian Grove flex package. I mean, I dated the friggin' silhouette from the iPod commercial. Seriously, what does this music world have left to offer me? It's like that Shel Silverstein book, in that it's so boring and smells like my great-aunt's frittata."

The Texas rocker didn't know what he was walking into, because he was looking down at pictures of hairless cats across two different graphing calculators. He's unsure of what TC entails, cannot seem to figure out the boards' private message feature, and refuses divest from his simulated arena concessions businesses.

"If one year ago, you told that I'd be the assistant general manager of a floundering team in some Dungeons and Dragons basketball campaign game, I'd say, 'get that chicken salad back in the freezer!' Because that's what I was dealing with at the time. So much chicken salad, like, industrial freight amounts of chicken salad, and it can go bad very quickly," Daniel admits.

The New Jersey Nets, affectionately known to fans as "Jerzey Swamp Dragons" and to Raptors executives as "Literally The Biggest Disappointment Of My Adult Life," have failed to reach the postseason in the past half-decade. There are some sources of modest optimism, though. Cooper Flagg has generational, franchise-altering upside as the No. 1 pick of the 2025 SLN Draft. Stephon Castle sends wacky but heartfelt stuff in the group chat. Jonathan Kuminga, Keegan Murray, Herb Jones and Darius Garland have each teased limited runs as top options. Dereck Lively II: Center Stage is getting solid early press, and the sex scene preview has been reposted on socials with captions like "see THIS is what film has been missing. There's more sensuality here than in the last three A24 releases jfc, run me over with a microstate Dereck!"

But overall, Daniel arrives at what could be the nadir of franchise morale. In a spirited hand-written memo released to SwampMedia on Monday, the longtime Spooner and "Guide to Chex Mix" author outlined where and how he'd make an impact. Daniel says he will be in charge of the following simulated basketball operations:

1. Figuring out how to access the yearly awards page after day 120.

2. Posting things on the boards like, "tough injury luck but a solid sim for our guys. Big road stretch coming up!"

3. Managing something called the "Imgur Reserve."

4. Reminding Ashes to drink water and eat three tissues each day.

5. "You don't have to caaaaaalllllllllllll [doot doot doot do doot do do] it's okay girl! I'mma be alright toniiiiiiight"

6. Texting indiscriminate SLN GMs to say stuff like "lol shoot that DC into the ocean my guy"

7. Refilling the miso soup tap

8. Bids, but not the bids you're all thinking of

9. Assigning players to a duo nickname of "The Beast & Dragon Adorned"

10. Honeypotting one unsuspecting league member, for future leverage on the Ashes tissue thing.

Up next is that grueling first year in the league, which lasts like four weeks because everything is weird and also smells like frittata. Daniel is going to get Flagg's friends into Spoon. Castle will hit the chat with a Retta GIF and remind everyone of their capacity for wonder. Ashes must eat more tissues.

"Joe, from the Celtics, he seems nice," the newest Net concluded. "He's gonna be in Spoon by the end of this thing."

[Hoff]

Used to be a big Shel Silverstein fan

[Tyler]

Refilling the miso soup tap hahahaha

[jwoo]

steven and i went to a spoon concert for my birthday in like 2014 i wanna say and our uber driver got pulled over for driving the wrong direction down our street, we then shotgunned beers behind the chicago theater for some reason

[heimer]

hakuna frittata - what a wonderful fring

[SWAMP STEVEN]

hakuna frittata - what a wonderful fring

IT MEANS SOME WORRIES, EGG WORRIES MOSTLY

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Used to be a big Shel Silverstein fan

USED to be

[Joe]

It's not about the post punk revival band you end up front-manning, it's really about the chicken salad you made along the way

[Joe]

The Imgur Reserve is where I keep all my early 2000s I Can Haz Cheezburger memes with Weilheimer's face sloppily photoshopped into the various cat pictures

[Joe]

Grade: 750
Quality content bonus: 100
Total: 850