TONY PARKER POKES BEAR, IMPREGNATES MOUNTIE HORSE: Bulls Best Grizzlies in Game 7 Finals Thriller [SWAMPSTORY 11]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

By Steve “The Swampnosticator” Kornacki

Exclusive to the Chicago Son Times, Cook County’s leading publication for well-behaved boys, allowance receivers and dads that cry hearing the Cat Stephens song about mermaid boobies.

Vol 1 - viewtopic.php?t=492

Vol 2 - viewtopic.php?t=493

Vol 3 - viewtopic.php?t=494

Vol 4 - viewtopic.php?t=495

Vol 5 - viewtopic.php?t=496

Vol 6 - viewtopic.php?t=498

Vol 7 - viewtopic.php?t=499

Vol 8 - viewtopic.php?t=500

Vol 9 - viewtopic.php?t=501

Vol 10 - viewtopic.php?t=504

VANCOUVER – For the entirety of the past decade, Matt “Matthew” Daley has been metaphysically eclipsed by a torturous cipher — field a Chicago Bulls squad that’s among the SLN’s best, only to fizzle out in postseason play. The Rasheed/Ben Wallace pairing would regularly win 55 games and absolutely pillage West Loop happy hour appetizer menus (“antipasta, pro-pasta, whatever. I don’t do labels, I do appetizers,” Sheed said through his Al Bhed translator when asked for comment). Statistically speaking, these Bulls are the best regular-season franchise in the league’s history, and their collective .639 win percentage leads the SLN by a Wallace-sized margin. Even Wallace Shawn? Oh, especially Wallace Shawn.

Despite the ascent of all-world point guard Tony Parker, plus additions of livewire wing Rashad McCants and veteran big man Eddie Griffin, the Bulls still heard the refrain. “IT’S MATT’S YEAR,” SLN analyst Sill Bimmons sang to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” on a recent episode of The SB Report. A dated reference for 2012, sure, but still a searing, taunting hymn for the league’s most desperate fan base. “Your love life is like the SLN’s Chicago Bulls — great on paper, but a disaster when it matters most,” former president William Howard Taft quipped in a cameo on The Mindy Project. One South Side pub, Almighty Chief Sosa’s 3hunnababy Bar & Grill, even promised free malort n’ cream gyros if the hometown team got over the hump.

Commentators and critics, prepare to eat your words – WITHOUT DIPPING THEM IN KETCHUP, because we don’t do that here. Mr. President, we can’t hear you – you’re too far up Gifford Pinchot’s ass. Lil Reese, start milking that malort cow – I’ll take mine with extra cream mixed in AND on the side.

Chicago, it finally is Matt’s Year.

“HON HON, OUI OUI, MY NAME A FRENCH BORAT,” we assume Toniel “Tony” Parker said after a 130-104 victory over the reigning champion Vancouver Grizzlies. A delirious Jason Richardson doused himself in mild sauce and bellowed profanities in Polish. Jumaine “Jew Mane” Jones joyously bopped to the Klezmer with Benny the Bull. Samuel Dalembert was ceremoniously arrested for federal public corruption. It was a fitting and earned release for a city finally atop the simulated basketball world.

The Finals MVP Parker, who has been with Chicago since the 2002 season, posted 36 points, 14 assists and five rebounds in the deciding Game 7. Dalembert roamed the interior with five blocks and 11 rebounds. And McCants set the tone on both ends of the floor, scoring 36 while holding Grizzlies counterpart Dwyane Wade to just 8-of-23 shooting.

“It’s incredible what you can accomplish when everyone buys into what’s going on,” McCants told reporters while petting a diamond-encrusted lobster writhing in his lap. “You have 13, 14 guys on one team. If each individual buys in at the platinum level, that’s like $13 or $14 million for Luxury Crustaceans, LLC.”

Outside the United Center, known colloquially as “the Madhouse on Madison” and locally as “the arena where Lupe Fiasco sold out eight consecutive nights of blind Sour Patch Kids taste tests, he didn’t get a single color wrong across some 18 hours of stage time, unreal,” Second City superfans congregated in ecstasy. “This is the best night of my life,” Chicagoan Aramis Ramirez said. “I’m drinking what I call Tough Juice to honor my man Caron Butler. It’s giardiniera, non-alcoholic Old Style and the feeling of resentment boiled down to the raw.”

Matt’s Bulls had won at least 50 games in six consecutive seasons, but only advanced past the second round once – last season’s SLN Finals loss to these same Grizzlies. Parker admitted that revenge was indeed a motivating factor for this group. “We saw the Grizzlies guys getting poon after their championship ring. Crazy poon, so much poon, like British-Colombian poon. ‘Carnaval de Barranquilla looking absolutely mental innit, we should do it standing-up style.’ Can you imagine hearing something like that out loud? I guess I am about to find out.” Parker’s playoffs were downright scintillant, averaging more than 30 points and nine assists in about 40 minutes per game. He also scored 45 in a losing Game 6 effort. Previously considered the most underpaid player in SLN history, the French maestro and former top overall pick finally has his signature moment for Hall-of-Fame candidacy.

On the other end of history now lies the Vancouver Grizzlies, losers of three separate Finals Game 7s. The franchise will always cherish the 2010-11 title, and western Canada remains fiercely loyal to their SLN club, but Wade was visibly morose in postgame media availability. His best season as a pro, adorned with First-Team and All-Defense honors, has been overwritten as a massive “what if?”

“What if Lauren Alaina won over Scotty McCreery?,” he mused pointedly to a stack of toonies. “What if Jennifer Lopez stayed on in the Paula Abdul slot? What if Sony Records was still the official partner of the show? Does Jimmy Iovine really care about artistic development at this point?”

Questions deferred to a future unknown. For now, we focus on a present largely unimaginable until its very arrival.

As of this writing, it’s Matt’s Year.

[SWAMP STEVEN]

@Matt @Josh

[Matt]

Lol'd so many times

Luxury Crustaceans LLC for lyfe

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Lol'd so many times

Luxury Crustaceans LLC for lyfe

IT’S MATT’S YEAR

[Merv]

What a shoutout for Aramis Ramirez

[SWAMP STEVEN]

What a shoutout for Aramis Ramirez

Just a concerned citizen, devoted Bulls fan and buttchugger of raw resentment

[Nav]

325 RP

[Joe]

INCONCEIVABLE