The Squishiest Tomatoes for Analeigh Tipton - SWAMPSTORYZ VOL 10
-
SWAMP STEVEN
- General Manager
- Posts: 1251
- Joined: January 5th, 2024, 2:11 pm
The Squishiest Tomatoes for Analeigh Tipton - SWAMPSTORYZ VOL 10
Nets ownership works at Fandango/Rotten Tomatoes during the day, and subsequently missed the 4/5 free agency bid deadline. James Johnson is out $12.5 million from a good faith agreement, but this is decidedly not the first time Steven "Nu Jerzey Twork" Marks-Prokhorov has owed eight figures to a man nicknamed "BLOODSPORT" [editor's note: I don't doubt your prodigious ability collect debt, Steven, but this simply can't be true]. Swamp Media can now confirm that ownership ignored all digital correspondences in order to host "Nets Movie Night," in which each player on the SLN roster gave a presentation on their favorite movie of 2011.
Swamp Media really expensed 18 million miles of gas and did five weeks of overtime to report this out? In our sim universe, the governor of New Jersey is a sentient and comically corrupt meatball wedge that gutted the pension fund for what the gubernatorial office calls "a widescale state investment in meatball technologies, including the largest private-public meatball partnership in America." Youth in Toms River are getting fatally punchbuggy no punchbacked at historic levels. If DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS, we're positioning our lone ray of light on Courtney Lee as he explains The Smurfs Movie to an incredulous young Kemba Walker. Here we go.
Robin Lopez - Hugo - "Looking at the poster, you'd think this is a movie about Borat going to Paris. But Hugo is so much more. It's also a movie about Gandhi going to Paris. Martin Scorsese should shoot everything in 3D, yo. I keep those glasses every time. What are they going to do? Like, there's no way AMC pays those folks enough to confront a seven-foot professional athlete about returning the 3D glasses."
Derrick Favors - We Need to Talk About Kevin - "A film that spoke to me. I mean, how on earth did Lynne Ramsay know what happened in the 2010 SLN Draft brown room between Plaintiff Seraphin and myself? Do I have to say it like that, like as a title? Can I call him Mr. Seraphin? Can I call him MR. LIAR?!?!? Again, that was supposed to be a draft GREEN room. Disgusting. Who starts a food fight with BALSAMIC TILAPIA?!?!?! Did I go into that night having looked up crass things to say in French? Absolutely. Does that constitute harassment and warrant a giant man to use his "TILAPIA OVERDRIVE?" Tell it to the judge. Please, tell her, because right now I'm getting absolutely worked in the polls.
Lamar Odom, Antwan Jamison and Michael Redd - Moneyball - "We've been here for a collective three days, and we've all since been traded away, so it was hard to meaningfully engage in this team activity. In an act of defiance, we selected Moneyball, to facilitate a conversation on analytics and dehumanization in front offices today. That is of course not what happened. It instead led to ownership showing a slideshow of young Art Howe and a spirited debate over whether athletes can ever respect divorced executives. I think Steven's really going through it, but that doesn't excuse the awfulness of our brief stay in Jersey. We will miss the shrimp on tap at team facilities, and really not much else."
Chandler Parsons - Madea's Big Happy Family - "On Crip, this shit hilarious. That man Bow Wow goin' crazy, on hoods."
Kevin Martin - Midnight in Paris - "Pure Woody Allen. Which is not to say great or even good Woody, but a distillation of the filmmaker's passions and crotchets, and of his tendency to pass draconian judgment on characters the audience is not supposed to like. Allen is right when he says no one would notice if you made a Lubitsch film today in which love’s bliss and broken hearts are caught in a dance. But why doesn’t he try? And, if he doesn’t have the energy to try, why bother to do it?"
E'Twaun Moore - Bridesmaids - "Once again, content within content! Steven out here thinking he's Dan Harmon or something. Here's who would play each main character in an SLN Bridesmaids:
"
Courtney Lee - The Smurfs Movie - "Nah, I didn't watch it. Read the SparkNotes for The Crucible and just riffed off that. Everyone believed it, or didn't care enough to express disbelief. Now, if we were doing a BOOK report instead of this drivel, I'd have a lot more to contribute. Arthur Miller has a Rushmore-level pen. I read Death of a Salesman twice last season, it spurred a minor ego death for ya boy."
Ty Lawson - N/A - "I don't need to watch movies, because my life is a movie." He proceeded to demonstrate how to beat that gnarly 16th level of Angry Birds. You'd laugh, but Ty does a really good job explaining things straightforwardly while calling the crowd in. Accessible and engaging, good shit Ty.
Kemba Walker - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 - "It's comforting to learn that I am not alone. All across the country, moviegoers have suffered seizures watching this absolute lawsuit of a movie and movie of a lawsuit. To be fair, the rest of the recorded incidents happened during Bella's pregnancy, but I went more than a lil loopy during the opening scene, when the huge bag of popcorn smooches the dancing Pepsi Co. fountain drink."
Chase Budinger - The Hangover II - "This all was loosely based on a night out with the Long Island Nets after a game in Stockton. They did a solid job of honoring the bacchanalian spirit, but they should've included the part where we shotgunned Pepto-Bismol on the roof of the Bellagio."
Jordan Crawford - Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Couldn't hear any of the dialogue, thanks to Landry Fields singing "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" over and over again from a helium balloon binge. That's a pretty basic betrayal of social codes as is, but of course he had to do the exaggerated extra-Warped Tour vocal affect, like when Tom DeLonge sung "WHEYRE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEWWWW, AND I'M SEW SOHHHHHHHHREEEEEEEEY." Is Brand New really a legacy emo act like that, by the way? I guess the movie looked cool, but yeah, didn't hear much. British Office Jim's character synced well with Landry's bloodcurdling yelps.
Landry Fields - Sherlock Holmes; A Game of Shadows - WHATEVER POISON'S IN THIS BOTTLE WILL LEAVE ME BROKEN SORE AND STIFF, BUT IT'S THE GENIE AT THE BOTTOM WHO I'M SUCKING OFF --
Timofey Mozgov - Cowboys & Aliens - "Steven convinced me that we could bet on this, and somehow I'm out two full rookie-scale contracts for riding with America's Team. Please send any and all donations my way, because I owe the real Mukesh "Bloodsport" Ambani a lot of money."
Swamp Media really expensed 18 million miles of gas and did five weeks of overtime to report this out? In our sim universe, the governor of New Jersey is a sentient and comically corrupt meatball wedge that gutted the pension fund for what the gubernatorial office calls "a widescale state investment in meatball technologies, including the largest private-public meatball partnership in America." Youth in Toms River are getting fatally punchbuggy no punchbacked at historic levels. If DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS, we're positioning our lone ray of light on Courtney Lee as he explains The Smurfs Movie to an incredulous young Kemba Walker. Here we go.
Robin Lopez - Hugo - "Looking at the poster, you'd think this is a movie about Borat going to Paris. But Hugo is so much more. It's also a movie about Gandhi going to Paris. Martin Scorsese should shoot everything in 3D, yo. I keep those glasses every time. What are they going to do? Like, there's no way AMC pays those folks enough to confront a seven-foot professional athlete about returning the 3D glasses."
Derrick Favors - We Need to Talk About Kevin - "A film that spoke to me. I mean, how on earth did Lynne Ramsay know what happened in the 2010 SLN Draft brown room between Plaintiff Seraphin and myself? Do I have to say it like that, like as a title? Can I call him Mr. Seraphin? Can I call him MR. LIAR?!?!? Again, that was supposed to be a draft GREEN room. Disgusting. Who starts a food fight with BALSAMIC TILAPIA?!?!?! Did I go into that night having looked up crass things to say in French? Absolutely. Does that constitute harassment and warrant a giant man to use his "TILAPIA OVERDRIVE?" Tell it to the judge. Please, tell her, because right now I'm getting absolutely worked in the polls.
Lamar Odom, Antwan Jamison and Michael Redd - Moneyball - "We've been here for a collective three days, and we've all since been traded away, so it was hard to meaningfully engage in this team activity. In an act of defiance, we selected Moneyball, to facilitate a conversation on analytics and dehumanization in front offices today. That is of course not what happened. It instead led to ownership showing a slideshow of young Art Howe and a spirited debate over whether athletes can ever respect divorced executives. I think Steven's really going through it, but that doesn't excuse the awfulness of our brief stay in Jersey. We will miss the shrimp on tap at team facilities, and really not much else."
Chandler Parsons - Madea's Big Happy Family - "On Crip, this shit hilarious. That man Bow Wow goin' crazy, on hoods."
Kevin Martin - Midnight in Paris - "Pure Woody Allen. Which is not to say great or even good Woody, but a distillation of the filmmaker's passions and crotchets, and of his tendency to pass draconian judgment on characters the audience is not supposed to like. Allen is right when he says no one would notice if you made a Lubitsch film today in which love’s bliss and broken hearts are caught in a dance. But why doesn’t he try? And, if he doesn’t have the energy to try, why bother to do it?"
E'Twaun Moore - Bridesmaids - "Once again, content within content! Steven out here thinking he's Dan Harmon or something. Here's who would play each main character in an SLN Bridesmaids:
"Courtney Lee - The Smurfs Movie - "Nah, I didn't watch it. Read the SparkNotes for The Crucible and just riffed off that. Everyone believed it, or didn't care enough to express disbelief. Now, if we were doing a BOOK report instead of this drivel, I'd have a lot more to contribute. Arthur Miller has a Rushmore-level pen. I read Death of a Salesman twice last season, it spurred a minor ego death for ya boy."
Ty Lawson - N/A - "I don't need to watch movies, because my life is a movie." He proceeded to demonstrate how to beat that gnarly 16th level of Angry Birds. You'd laugh, but Ty does a really good job explaining things straightforwardly while calling the crowd in. Accessible and engaging, good shit Ty.
Kemba Walker - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 - "It's comforting to learn that I am not alone. All across the country, moviegoers have suffered seizures watching this absolute lawsuit of a movie and movie of a lawsuit. To be fair, the rest of the recorded incidents happened during Bella's pregnancy, but I went more than a lil loopy during the opening scene, when the huge bag of popcorn smooches the dancing Pepsi Co. fountain drink."
Chase Budinger - The Hangover II - "This all was loosely based on a night out with the Long Island Nets after a game in Stockton. They did a solid job of honoring the bacchanalian spirit, but they should've included the part where we shotgunned Pepto-Bismol on the roof of the Bellagio."
Jordan Crawford - Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Couldn't hear any of the dialogue, thanks to Landry Fields singing "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" over and over again from a helium balloon binge. That's a pretty basic betrayal of social codes as is, but of course he had to do the exaggerated extra-Warped Tour vocal affect, like when Tom DeLonge sung "WHEYRE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEWWWW, AND I'M SEW SOHHHHHHHHREEEEEEEEY." Is Brand New really a legacy emo act like that, by the way? I guess the movie looked cool, but yeah, didn't hear much. British Office Jim's character synced well with Landry's bloodcurdling yelps.
Landry Fields - Sherlock Holmes; A Game of Shadows - WHATEVER POISON'S IN THIS BOTTLE WILL LEAVE ME BROKEN SORE AND STIFF, BUT IT'S THE GENIE AT THE BOTTOM WHO I'M SUCKING OFF --
Timofey Mozgov - Cowboys & Aliens - "Steven convinced me that we could bet on this, and somehow I'm out two full rookie-scale contracts for riding with America's Team. Please send any and all donations my way, because I owe the real Mukesh "Bloodsport" Ambani a lot of money."
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
The Squishiest Tomatoes for Analeigh Tipton - SWAMPSTORYZ VOL 10
I remember that movie. Aliens were unbelievable value at +250, Cowboys always a humongous public play
Celtics ah the balls
The Squishiest Tomatoes for Analeigh Tipton - SWAMPSTORYZ VOL 10
tractor was always muttering nonsense to himself. he’s just upset he needs to buy 3 seats for to fit his 1 ass
Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play
And we ride on dem thangs like ev-ery day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangstahs roamin'
And parties don't stop 'til eight in the Monin
And we ride on dem thangs like ev-ery day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangstahs roamin'
And parties don't stop 'til eight in the Monin
-
- Newest Posts
- Top Active Users
- Newest Users
