XXX WAYS J.O. COULD HAVE BLURRED HIS VISION [SWAMPSTORYZ 8]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Are the Xs algebraic placeholders that he crassly forgot to remove? Are they the Roman numerals for 30? Is this going to be pornographic? Let’s find out together after the jump.

By Steven “I’m Hot Cuz I’m Fly, You Ain’t Cuz You Not, This is Why, This is Why, This is Why I’m Hot” Marks-Prokhorov-Hova, special to SLN Quarterly

New Jersey Nets star center Jermaine O’Neal was unable to play the remainder of his team’s April 2007 playoff series with the Atlantic-champion Boston Celtics, after incurring blurry vision in a blowout Game 3 loss. The Nets stunned Vegas, a surly scotch-gargling resident of Paramus, by actually taking the series’ opening game on the road. But without their defensive stalwart O’Neal, things quickly went south. After an offseason of soul-searching, security intel re-evaluation and Dance Dance Revolution tournaments, we’ve come up with a list of most likely causes for JO’s debilitating blurry vision.

1. Jermaine O’Neal confused his contact saline solution with Absolut vodka.

2. Jermaine O’Neal purposefully swapped his contact saline solution with Absolut vodka, after some ill-intentioned advice dispatched by teammate Stephon Marbury.

3. Jermaine O’Neal motorboated team dancers, known unaffectionately as THE SWAMPTHANGZ, as hard as he physically could until he contracted an eye infection or literally dislodged part of his retina.

4. Jermaine O’Neal played Simpsons Road Rage for 82 consecutive hours, breaking only to chain-smoke menthols, shotgun Red Bulls and write responses to Charles Krauthammer op eds.

5. Jermaine O’Neal lathered his face in Dunkaroo frosting and stared directly into the sun, once again due to the ill-intentioned suggestions of one Stephon Marbury.

6. Jermaine O’Neal braved an in-theater watch of Good Luck Chuck, starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba.

7. Jermaine O’Neal was rendered incapacitated after a brief day-trip with New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez to Amman.

8. Jermaine O’Neal attempted the “Reverse Pete Rose,” by both gambling on his team to lose and by dating a 92-year-old fan from his hometown.

9. Jermaine O’Neal wants to get a pair of those Kanye shutter shades so so so badly, and heard that he needed to fake astigmatism to get a prescription for them. Guess who told him that crock of pooshit? Yup, Stephon Marbury.

10. Jermaine O’Neal recognized that true beauty comes from the inside, and that full cosmic vision can only be achieved in literal blindness. Jermaine O’Neal is in a Carl Sagan phase. I know, so freshman year of college, right?

11. Jermaine O’Neal did too many dizzy bat races at the 2007 Nets Easter Picnic, presented by Satriale's Pork.

12. Jermaine O’Neal tried squid ink pasta, and he tried it in his eyeballs.

13. Jermaine O’Neal is taking a principled stand against an issue he doesn’t fully understand but still wants to be on the right side of history with.

14. Jermaine O’Neal played the song “Sweet Escape” by Gwen Stefani and Akon in the locker room at such a tremorous high volume that Josh Childress stabbed him in the cornea with a Pixie Stick.

15. Jermaine O’Neal stared too long at a media day photo of Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aaron Harang, widely considered the ugliest man in professional sports.

16. Jermaine O’Neal really hates it here and wants to sign somewhere else.