SLN GM Poll, SwampMedia Ballot – Results, Analysis and Heimer’s Unsolicited PeenPics™
Posted: June 3rd, 2024, 9:09 pm
SLN GM Poll, SwampMedia Ballot – Results, Analysis and Heimer’s Unsolicited PeenPics™
By Steve Swampnacki
Let’s begin by addressing the elephant in the room, because the elephant is air-dropping nudes to the rest of the room and shamelessly chortling. How did Jake attach such detailed diagrams of his lower half to a damn Google Form? Why didn’t Pankin send me any – aren’t we actually going steady? We’ve fudged at least twice (five times if you count it how I count it) and I still couldn’t get any digitized nasty? We hate it here.
Anyway, Jere made a GM poll regarding the state of the league and the most under/overrated players. I made a better GM poll regarding beer, pizza, cartoons and birthing babies. 14 teams responded, results below:
Which GM would get the rowdiest at a simulated league-wide All-Star blowout? EAST
Jake (Hawks) with a commanding lead of 7 votes. Let’s drink weed! LET’S DRINK WEED!
Swamp (ME, that’s that me espresso) came in second with 4
DMorrel (LeBron’s dad, Bronny Jr. Sr.) finished third with 3
Which GM would get the rowdiest at a simulated league-wide All-Star blowout? WEST
Nick (Sonics) handily won with 6 votes. I get the whole John Wall thing now.
Ralph (GrundleJazz) at 4
Tyler (Suns) rounds out the placements at 2
Others receiving votes: Bobby (Clippers), GX (Lakers)
Which GM has the most Nickelodeon cartoon kid main character vibes? EAST
DMorrel (Sixers) absolutely dominated with 5 votes. I think it’s a Fairly Odd Parents situation with him, and I mean that in the best way because that show ripped. Obtuse? Rubber goose? GREEN MOOSE?! GUAVA JUICE!!!
Swamp (espresso!) second again with 2
Others receiving votes: Woo (Raptors), Jake (Hawks), Joe (Celtics), Tonger (Pacers), Derek (Bucks), Nav (Knicks), Merv (Magic)
Which GM has the most Nickelodeon cartoon kid main character vibes? WEST
Nick (doing a beer bong of cognac with John Wall) opens with back-to-back wins! I think he’s more of a Jimmy Neutron. Do the hair with your gorgeous auburn locks, we triple-cat dare you.
Others receiving multiple votes: Josh (Grizzlies), Hoff (Mavericks), Jesse (Kings), Tyler (Suns)
Others receiving votes: Jordo (Spurs), Clint (Warriors)
Which GMs are making SLN moves on their wedding day/birth of first child? EAST
Hahahahahahahahahahaha Jeremy received 14 votes, which means that he both maxed out this question and also agrees with the rest of us
2. TIED - Merv (Magic) and Joe (Celtics), 6
3. Tonger (Pacers), 4
Which GMs are making SLN moves on their wedding day/birth of first child? WEST
Jesse won this one with 10 out of 14 votes. Here comes the Humpman, here comes the HUMMMMMMPPPPPP.
2. Nick (Sonics), 9
3. Tyler (Suns), 8
Which GMs say that their favorite pizza topping is "plain?" EAST
JBurns (Hornets) said fuck your sausage, fuck your pepperoni, fuck your barbecued crayon, because this pizza right here is PLAIN.
2. Matt (Bulls), 4
3. Derek (Bucks), 3
Which GMs say that their favorite pizza topping is "plain?" WEST
Pankin (Mrs. Swamp) ordered “The Works” at Harden’s Hi Top and Pizza Parlor, then proceeded to scrape EVERYTHING off and then form an origami swan out of the discarded cheese.
2. TIED - Ralph (Jazz), Hoff (Mavs), Kipke (Nuggets).
Which two SLN GMs need to have their Kendrick/Drake moment?
Unsurprisingly, Matt and Ralph pulled 9 votes. Surprisingly, Ralph dropped a diss at midnight in which he taunted Matt for having a mole in the Central Division, and claimed that he put Ozempic up his fake butt. Even more surprisingly, Matt was briefly signed to OVO/Republic and got totally boned by the major-label system, but I know he’ll thrive as an independent rapper.
Others receiving votes:
DMo and every other 2003 tanker in the East
Merv and Derek
Nick and Ashes
Tyler and Woo
Kendrick Lamar and Aubrey “Drake” Graham
Which two SLN GMs are banging? And should we make them tell HR?
Uhhhhhh, hello??? HR????? I’d like to file a complaint…for all my coworkers simulating sexy so hard it makes Lulu from Final Fantasy 10 look like Aerith from Final Fantasy 7.
Woo and Merv, 3 – confusing, because it’s illegal to have gay sex in Florida and culturally discouraged to have any sex at all in Canada
Woo and Swamp, 2 – Jere said he wanted to do it “regular style.” I obliged
Polycule O6, 2 – I guess RP stands for…uh………….REALLY PENIS hah I do not know what to say here, every member of the O6 scares the shit out of me. Also, one of these voters said, and I quote, “Most of the league in a line to give Jesse brain”
Others receiving votes, sexwise
Matt and Ralph
Nav and Merv
Woo and Sam
Woo and Jake
Woo and Nick
Nick and DMo
Nick and Tyler
Which real-life artist wrote this simulated league's promo music?
Everyone Venmo me six nurses salaries to lock in on booking. No one repeated, so here are my select favorites and the name of the song I think they’d make:
Bowling for Soup, “2005,” a lazily-assembled “1985” remix
Quincy Jones, Lil Wayne, and Shania Twain, “T Mac Averages Like Four Blocks Per Game in This Universe [Young Money remix, but we censored the lighter flick, so it’s chill].” Yup, total bitch for ASCAP to track publishing, but a banger nonetheless
Michelle Branch, “Are You Happy Now?,” a song about Ashes fielding incessant sim requests from grown men while balancing a wife, child and new job
Swamp, “Piano Man,” a song about when Michael Dunkin Penberthy smashed four Nets dancers, stacked vertically, on top of my Parlor Grand
Howard Shore, “Jordo from the Spurs Wired Me a Rack to Sing About OJ Mayo”
Fort Minor, “Remember the Name,” in which he just lists all the GMs who quit the Pacers, Pistons and Lakers
Coolio, RIP
SpeakerKnockerz, also RIP
Imagine Dragons, RIP to anyone who ever let this band become the top-selling commercial rock act of our lifetime
Baby Boy Da Prince, “Sim in Sim Out,” another lazy remix/interpolation but midway through the third verse he starts ranting about how a first-round pick used to go for way more and implores his listeners to “supercamp that dick.”
By Steve Swampnacki
Let’s begin by addressing the elephant in the room, because the elephant is air-dropping nudes to the rest of the room and shamelessly chortling. How did Jake attach such detailed diagrams of his lower half to a damn Google Form? Why didn’t Pankin send me any – aren’t we actually going steady? We’ve fudged at least twice (five times if you count it how I count it) and I still couldn’t get any digitized nasty? We hate it here.
Anyway, Jere made a GM poll regarding the state of the league and the most under/overrated players. I made a better GM poll regarding beer, pizza, cartoons and birthing babies. 14 teams responded, results below:
Which GM would get the rowdiest at a simulated league-wide All-Star blowout? EAST
Jake (Hawks) with a commanding lead of 7 votes. Let’s drink weed! LET’S DRINK WEED!
Swamp (ME, that’s that me espresso) came in second with 4
DMorrel (LeBron’s dad, Bronny Jr. Sr.) finished third with 3
Which GM would get the rowdiest at a simulated league-wide All-Star blowout? WEST
Nick (Sonics) handily won with 6 votes. I get the whole John Wall thing now.
Ralph (GrundleJazz) at 4
Tyler (Suns) rounds out the placements at 2
Others receiving votes: Bobby (Clippers), GX (Lakers)
Which GM has the most Nickelodeon cartoon kid main character vibes? EAST
DMorrel (Sixers) absolutely dominated with 5 votes. I think it’s a Fairly Odd Parents situation with him, and I mean that in the best way because that show ripped. Obtuse? Rubber goose? GREEN MOOSE?! GUAVA JUICE!!!
Swamp (espresso!) second again with 2
Others receiving votes: Woo (Raptors), Jake (Hawks), Joe (Celtics), Tonger (Pacers), Derek (Bucks), Nav (Knicks), Merv (Magic)
Which GM has the most Nickelodeon cartoon kid main character vibes? WEST
Nick (doing a beer bong of cognac with John Wall) opens with back-to-back wins! I think he’s more of a Jimmy Neutron. Do the hair with your gorgeous auburn locks, we triple-cat dare you.
Others receiving multiple votes: Josh (Grizzlies), Hoff (Mavericks), Jesse (Kings), Tyler (Suns)
Others receiving votes: Jordo (Spurs), Clint (Warriors)
Which GMs are making SLN moves on their wedding day/birth of first child? EAST
Hahahahahahahahahahaha Jeremy received 14 votes, which means that he both maxed out this question and also agrees with the rest of us
2. TIED - Merv (Magic) and Joe (Celtics), 6
3. Tonger (Pacers), 4
Which GMs are making SLN moves on their wedding day/birth of first child? WEST
Jesse won this one with 10 out of 14 votes. Here comes the Humpman, here comes the HUMMMMMMPPPPPP.
2. Nick (Sonics), 9
3. Tyler (Suns), 8
Which GMs say that their favorite pizza topping is "plain?" EAST
JBurns (Hornets) said fuck your sausage, fuck your pepperoni, fuck your barbecued crayon, because this pizza right here is PLAIN.
2. Matt (Bulls), 4
3. Derek (Bucks), 3
Which GMs say that their favorite pizza topping is "plain?" WEST
Pankin (Mrs. Swamp) ordered “The Works” at Harden’s Hi Top and Pizza Parlor, then proceeded to scrape EVERYTHING off and then form an origami swan out of the discarded cheese.
2. TIED - Ralph (Jazz), Hoff (Mavs), Kipke (Nuggets).
Which two SLN GMs need to have their Kendrick/Drake moment?
Unsurprisingly, Matt and Ralph pulled 9 votes. Surprisingly, Ralph dropped a diss at midnight in which he taunted Matt for having a mole in the Central Division, and claimed that he put Ozempic up his fake butt. Even more surprisingly, Matt was briefly signed to OVO/Republic and got totally boned by the major-label system, but I know he’ll thrive as an independent rapper.
Others receiving votes:
DMo and every other 2003 tanker in the East
Merv and Derek
Nick and Ashes
Tyler and Woo
Kendrick Lamar and Aubrey “Drake” Graham
Which two SLN GMs are banging? And should we make them tell HR?
Uhhhhhh, hello??? HR????? I’d like to file a complaint…for all my coworkers simulating sexy so hard it makes Lulu from Final Fantasy 10 look like Aerith from Final Fantasy 7.
Woo and Merv, 3 – confusing, because it’s illegal to have gay sex in Florida and culturally discouraged to have any sex at all in Canada
Woo and Swamp, 2 – Jere said he wanted to do it “regular style.” I obliged
Polycule O6, 2 – I guess RP stands for…uh………….REALLY PENIS hah I do not know what to say here, every member of the O6 scares the shit out of me. Also, one of these voters said, and I quote, “Most of the league in a line to give Jesse brain”
Others receiving votes, sexwise
Matt and Ralph
Nav and Merv
Woo and Sam
Woo and Jake
Woo and Nick
Nick and DMo
Nick and Tyler
Which real-life artist wrote this simulated league's promo music?
Everyone Venmo me six nurses salaries to lock in on booking. No one repeated, so here are my select favorites and the name of the song I think they’d make:
Bowling for Soup, “2005,” a lazily-assembled “1985” remix
Quincy Jones, Lil Wayne, and Shania Twain, “T Mac Averages Like Four Blocks Per Game in This Universe [Young Money remix, but we censored the lighter flick, so it’s chill].” Yup, total bitch for ASCAP to track publishing, but a banger nonetheless
Michelle Branch, “Are You Happy Now?,” a song about Ashes fielding incessant sim requests from grown men while balancing a wife, child and new job
Swamp, “Piano Man,” a song about when Michael Dunkin Penberthy smashed four Nets dancers, stacked vertically, on top of my Parlor Grand
Howard Shore, “Jordo from the Spurs Wired Me a Rack to Sing About OJ Mayo”
Fort Minor, “Remember the Name,” in which he just lists all the GMs who quit the Pacers, Pistons and Lakers
Coolio, RIP
SpeakerKnockerz, also RIP
Imagine Dragons, RIP to anyone who ever let this band become the top-selling commercial rock act of our lifetime
Baby Boy Da Prince, “Sim in Sim Out,” another lazy remix/interpolation but midway through the third verse he starts ranting about how a first-round pick used to go for way more and implores his listeners to “supercamp that dick.”